I don't mind sharing my thoughts with the world. I have nothing to hide, nothing important that is. I have just gotten my last exam back and it was a pass at 55% which is considered fine here. 75-80 according to Aston standards is outstanding. I am relieved to have passed but at the same time I keep beating myself up over if I could have done more to prepare myself. There was a theoretical part which I am sure was the worst part of the exam and if I had read more I am sure it would have gone better. The Discourse Analysis paper was the lowest assessment grade at 55. I didn't care very much for that course of the professor, so it wasn't high up on my priority list. But I could have written it better, that's for sure. I think and I hope that my next round of assessments will go better.
I miss a few things in life and I really want to have them again. I have been independent and independently minded for much or my adult life and I am grateful for this mentality as I believe it is one that helps you to grow mentally and also in other ways. But I deeply miss working, making my own money, having my own place and not depending on anyone. I tolerate my time here at Aston as I know that in the end I'll have an MA in a field where there is sure to be plenty of work. What I really want most of all is....stability. A quiet existence where I can feel secure at a place in which I teach a language or do something involved with that world. A life, which allows me small luxuries, such as new clothing once in a while, simple vacations, a car, some of the things that I took for granted before I moved to Italy.
Another thing on my mind is a certain someone whom I won't mention per scaramanzia (Italian for "to not jinx myself"). We've reconnected on FB and it has made me happy, but at the same time a bit uncertain. We met in chat years ago, well over 10. In 2007 we met for the first time in Canada and it was great. I was never so sad to leave someone and not knowing when we would ever see each other again....we still haven't. We've kept in contact off and on throughout the years because for some reason I knew that it was worth it. I've always had a strong feeling about her and it was just an instant connection when we first met. I hugged her, lifted her into the air and gave her a kiss on each cheek. If I could go back in time, I'd have kissed her properly when we last saw each other. I'd also have seriously thought about what I would have had to have done to arrange to be together in some way shape or form. But then again, I may not have gone to Italy and despite my hardships there, I have no real regrets about going, so I am not gonna brood over what can't be changed. I had to somewhat forget about her in a certain sense as I had to get on my with my life. I was somewhat hurt when she got a new bf, but I said nothing as it would have been useless in my opinion and I don't meddle with people who are taken. I suppose she could have said the same about me as I've certainly had a few adventures over the years. On this train of thought, I can recall when I had my college gf back in 2003-2005, every damn time I talked to her in chat I would tell myself "Why are we not together?!" I would have easily taken her over the other one as harsh as that sounds.
Obviously this is bugging me more than my studies! Then again I am not failing anything so I can allow myself to think about my love life. As I said above, I am uncertain how she feels in all this. I sent her a love letter and I think she liked it. I can't always read emotions in chat too well, but despite all the positive vibes from her, I think she is a bit cautious as there is certainly a chance that we won't end up together, with the distance thing. That makes sense, but I am used to having a crush on someone who doesn't live on the same continent as I do, so I could easily jump into this with her now. But perhaps she needs time, so I will just have to wait a bit longer. I don't doubt an interest on her part, but maybe what I am seeing, now that she is an adult like me (shhhhh dont tell anyone!!!) is her sensible and objective side which most likely is taking control of this situation. I think we both know that an encounter in person would be the decisive factor and that I would do all I could to win her and convince her to think along the lines of a possible life together. A well paying job and to hug her every day would be so ideal and I dont think it's unreachable. But let's see how this all plays out, how she reacts. Buona notte
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