Sunday, February 19, 2017

Post 37

I don't want to say this is a sad blog as a lot my posts are somewhat melancholy, but as I think about it, I write when I am a bit down. Today has been a rather negative day. I have a cold again for the 3rd time since Xmas and I'd like to know why. I am a hypochondriac so I never like feeling unwell but I think my cold is due to three things: The cold weather has returned, I live a big city where germs are everywhere and I work around teens. Lucky me. What also sucked about today was that I think I made one of my teachers mad. I took forever to grade tests and give them back to her and I think she also might have the impression that I haven't really explored the exam I am supposedly preparing my students for. It's true unfortunately, and it's true as nothing to me is more boring than reading something (or anything!) academic in my free time! But if I want to stay in good standing at my job I'll have to do as she says. I am also cat sitting till tomorrow and this is the last time! Honestly, I would never keep an animal in a small apartment.

I am 37. The older I get the more I try not to look at the number. Whatever. I am getting older and I look at it this way: we're all in this ride together and some of us get off too soon. I do like it how people always think I am younger and I think I will age gracefully. But to be honest, this is not really the life I want for myself at my age. At my age, I want a quiet house all to myself (for the time being) and a CAR for fucks sake! This is something I have dearly missed. I also have mixed feelings about where I work; I like my job as it is a great experience and I feel important to the kids who some of them love me. Yet, the pay is still just typical Italian pay and I am living pay check to pay check and it provides such little stability for the future. Thus I will be forced to go back to England this summer to make up lost wages and the practical thing to do is stay the whole damn summer and then rest here in Rome! I think I will look for more work in Rome and maybe leave Darby as the only reason I'd stay is because I hate always jumping jobs. But when I am going to stop saying maybe and make up my damn mind?!? This is my achilles heel in life and I pray for the courage to make a change. I think what keeps me here is this inner desire to be Italian. That's the bane of my problem if we want to call it that. I feel as if I move back to the States or even elsewhere, I will lose part of my identity even though that really isn't true. Like the alcoholics say, one day at a time.

I am also dating one of my students, Valeria who is a lawyer my age from Sicily. I adore her and we're a great couple and although she has many good qualities I need time to fall in love and to see if I am going to make more definite plans with her. I like her as she is Catholic, sensibile, intelligent and has a beautiful smile. She's also a kind and warm person which are traits I look for in women. Physically she isn't my first choice but I am trying to figure out where my priorities lie and what I consider important. Needless to say she will be part of my influence to stay in this country any further.

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