Love sucks

I don't ever vent about my love life on the net, but since this blog seems to be primarily for me, why not have a little vent? I am not sure in all 35 years I have ever truly felt in love, at least to the point where it was fully returned. I've had infatuations and felt the pangs of love, but the overall full on sensation of love I'm not sure it's ever happened and I don't know if I will ever experience it. I suppose it's in part due to my own stubbornness and perhaps also my hangups on what I expect my lady to be. To get right down to it, I am obsessed with Italian roots and I don't want anyone "less." Noble idea yes, but in turn that does limit me and I suppose the price I pay is solitude. I begin to wonder if it is worth it to be so selective, the idea in itself at face value does seem superficial, I realize that. But it's how I am built and I dont think it's impossible to happen.

I am entering a mental state where I have been numerous times before and that is to not give a damn about my sentimental state and just focus on my own self-improvement. I miss being in love (or at least the promise of it) but I don't want it to rule my life and consume me which it seems to be doing unfortunately. Che ben venga/let it come, let her or the situation come about on its own as it's obvious that via my own efforts something will not happen. I think this can apply for many things; if you obsess over something, it eats you up and you can't live properly.

I have patience in life, patience when I don't feel like waiting, patience when I realize it's my only option. But, in the game of love, I am so uncertain when it is required, when it's the time to be persistent (gotta be a man and pursue the girl, especially when she shows no interest) and when it's time to keep your distance. What has never been in doubt is this: I know what I want and I know when I simply "click" with a person and this expands also into friendship. What I do want is something that was severely lacking in my last relationship and that was a reciprocal feeling of love, unconditional. My last gf told me I came with problems in the sense that I could up and leave her and go back to America or who knows where and I suspect she also didn't get the idea of coming here to study (seeing as how I took out a loan). One of the last times I saw her she said she loved me, but I don't believe her at all. It doesn't matter, it's finished. She's a superficial person and I wish her well. What I have always wanted is just someone who only has eyes for me. I had it with my college gf, but it wasnt meant to be and I had issues with her that couldnt get be fixed. I am happy we don't speak as it's better this way.

So what will I do? Keep up contacts. Pray. Concentrate on my schooling as I know it is so worth it in the end. Not be jealous of anyone. Have patience and I really should keep in mind the expression "Meglio single che mal accompagnato". But I really want to be this way forever and I haven't officially lost hope that I will get married and have a family some day. Tomorrow is a new day!