Post 37

I don't want to say this is a sad blog as a lot my posts are somewhat melancholy, but as I think about it, I write when I am a bit down. Today has been a rather negative day. I have a cold again for the 3rd time since Xmas and I'd like to know why. I am a hypochondriac so I never like feeling unwell but I think my cold is due to three things: The cold weather has returned, I live a big city where germs are everywhere and I work around teens. Lucky me. What also sucked about today was that I think I made one of my teachers mad. I took forever to grade tests and give them back to her and I think she also might have the impression that I haven't really explored the exam I am supposedly preparing my students for. It's true unfortunately, and it's true as nothing to me is more boring than reading something (or anything!) academic in my free time! But if I want to stay in good standing at my job I'll have to do as she says. I am also cat sitting till tomorrow and this is the last time! Honestly, I would never keep an animal in a small apartment.

I am 37. The older I get the more I try not to look at the number. Whatever. I am getting older and I look at it this way: we're all in this ride together and some of us get off too soon. I do like it how people always think I am younger and I think I will age gracefully. But to be honest, this is not really the life I want for myself at my age. At my age, I want a quiet house all to myself (for the time being) and a CAR for fucks sake! This is something I have dearly missed. I also have mixed feelings about where I work; I like my job as it is a great experience and I feel important to the kids who some of them love me. Yet, the pay is still just typical Italian pay and I am living pay check to pay check and it provides such little stability for the future. Thus I will be forced to go back to England this summer to make up lost wages and the practical thing to do is stay the whole damn summer and then rest here in Rome! I think I will look for more work in Rome and maybe leave Darby as the only reason I'd stay is because I hate always jumping jobs. But when I am going to stop saying maybe and make up my damn mind?!? This is my achilles heel in life and I pray for the courage to make a change. I think what keeps me here is this inner desire to be Italian. That's the bane of my problem if we want to call it that. I feel as if I move back to the States or even elsewhere, I will lose part of my identity even though that really isn't true. Like the alcoholics say, one day at a time.

I am also dating one of my students, Valeria who is a lawyer my age from Sicily. I adore her and we're a great couple and although she has many good qualities I need time to fall in love and to see if I am going to make more definite plans with her. I like her as she is Catholic, sensibile, intelligent and has a beautiful smile. She's also a kind and warm person which are traits I look for in women. Physically she isn't my first choice but I am trying to figure out where my priorities lie and what I consider important. Needless to say she will be part of my influence to stay in this country any further.

First post 2017.

I have just got back from the USA and my Xmas vacations. They were quick, that's for sure but I am happier to be back this year than in past years. I like my life better this year than the previous one as I live in a better place, I make a bit more cash and I don't have as much stress like that I did in Ostia last year although Ostia was a constructive year, as painful as it was. It went fine this year in Connecticut. I didn't get into as many arguments with my parents although they were difficult as to be expected. I suppose you just need to pick your battles but at times its hard to avoid arguing with them. Although I must admit, what they call an argument for me is a simple disagreement or difference of opinion. I do hate seeing them age but then again I am ageing too!

Some of the highlights: For some reason, one of the first things that comes to mind is hockey. I went to see a Umass Amherst college hockey game and it was nice as there wasn't a lot of people and it was a chance to be with my dad. He criticized my driving on the way up, but he drives defensively and so anyone in comparison is a maniac! Anyway, they lost but it was a simple night. Then I went ice skating at Bolton Ice Palace and it was great. It made me wish I was still playing hockey as quite honestly it is one of the few sports that stimulate my senses and satisfy my need for, well, speed! But it was also emotional as I started playing there when I was 14 and I stopped 15 years ago. I'd def play again if I lived in the area and I think I'd play better as I am in better shape now. Seeing Tim's kids was nice as they are adorabile and full of energy. Tim remains one of my best friends and it's obvious why: he's a no bullshit guy, direct, honest and doesn't give a rats ass about being PC. Also he is a great mentor in the Catholic faith.

My parents rented me a car and it was a pretty sweet ride, a 2016 Dodge Charger. It was like I had my own car again and it's also something that I have dearly missed. Although you don't need a car per say here in Rome. New Year's was fine as I went to the old Rookie's in Cromwell and I didn't get drunk at all! I spent it with Rodrigo and it's always nice seeing him. I got to see Santos twice, Kim for a coffee and a round at Margherita's and I even saw Brianne this time and got to meet her fiancé, although I already knew him from high school. Xmas was fine except my allergies got the best of me. I must be allergic to the USA or more specifically, carpeting! I detest it and I find it useless. I was kinda sick at Xmas and the combination of jet lag didnt help! Yeah, it was fine this trip back and I got to spend plenty of time relaxing at home. I also took pics of Tolland as if I was a tourist. I visited the Benton Homestead, the cemetery near Crandalls park where I found 18th century gravestones and one who was at Lexington and Concord, and I took some shots of the town green.

Do I want to move back? Not right now and I say that every year. For now I am going to work till the end of the school year and then decide if my current job is worth another year here in Roma. As I get older moving back to the USA does appeal even more. Kim and AJ (my niece's husband) gave me some good career advice, alternatives to teaching which would be recruiting or working at a university but not as a teacher. For example, I could be an academic advisor. It's definitely something to think about. I just worry that moving back I'd regret it and I'd miss being Italian and soaking up the culture here. But I am getting to the point where I would and might choose a better paying job in the US over treading water here. I think each year that passes I think about it more. I enjoy my life here as Italy is my second home and I feel very Italianized. Just before I boarded the bus to the airport my dad said "It never gets any easier" and I was surprised he said that. I am guessing (hell I know) that the more time passes the more he wants me back. I understand his and my mom's thoughts, but I need to do what is best for me. I will in the end, I have made numerous changes in my life as I eventually leave bad situations when I feel it's in my best interest. Whether it's a bad idea to stay here I cannot say, but I will need to find more stability. I'd like for it be here but I can't make a single man's salary forever, especially if the good Lord blesses me with a wife and kids.

Walking

Yes, walking. I subscribe to a certain logic when I walk and that is the rules of the road. Quite simply, I wish people would think about how they drive when they walk. What does that mean: when you drive what side of the road do you stick to? In most countries, the right side and since I grew up in America and live in Italy where the driving is the same, this will be my base of reference. I get so annoyed when I am on a sidewalk, metro, grocery store or some public place and I am constantly bumping into people. I can't tell you how many times I approach a corner, or an area where I have to turn and I almost butt heads with someone. In the grocery store you need to stop and look before you exist an aisle and keep the cart to the right side! Park it when you need to look for an item.

What also irritates me is how some people just have no sense of space. This also includes personal space, although this might be a key difference between US and Italian society as Italians' personal space is smaller than Americans'. What I mean is when people don't realize who are what are around them. One of the biggest frustrations here are Italians who stand in the middle of an area where people walk (such as the entrance to a store) and don't realize they are there till someone says excuse me.

I am not saying this is a rule that must be strictly adhered to as there are situations in which it is difficult to maintain order in public places, but I think this general logic can help to make walking, moving and getting to places much easier. I suppose though I will always find much frustration here in Italy as people don't seem to get this logic 100%. Furthermore, I walk much faster than people here, even when I have my arms full of groceries. One thing you'll never catch me doing is standing in the middle where people walk to get organised or worse, to look at a map!! Finally, I don't want to sound inhumane so I of course realize when someone has a disability or is elderly. In that case I won't rush up behind them. However, if you are slow walker, be you elderly, disabled or simply have a slower pace, I think you should think of the road once again. Slow moving vehicles on the right and the left lane is the passion lane!

Ok. Let's continue with this Rome thing!

Back in Rome. After much deliberation, I have returned. Why? Well, I had found two teaching jobs in Boston, but I cant afford to live in the Boston area and I didn’t want to stay at home any longer as my parents and I don’t see eye to eye on certain things. But that’s natural. Anyway, I wanted to give Rome and Italy another chance. This is my second home and I have a new teaching job which is vastly different than the gig in Ostia. I’ll be teaching in public schools, morning hours and I get to select the hours I want to work. The pay seems like it’s going to be a lot more than Ostia. Lets hope so! I move into my new flat on the 1st of Oct and it’s a shared flat like in the past. So, lets hope these dudes believe in cleaning and mutual respect!

I had hoped for a monolocale (studio apartment) but the damn things are expensive and far away. This new apartment was a stroke of luck. I live right behind the Vatican with a Brazilian guy who didnt ask for a deposit or a contract. He's a simple clean person who has been very kind to me. He also has an adorable pit bull mix named Lilly. It's so nice to live with a dog again! My morning commute to work takes me right across the Vatican to the metro and it's easier than I thought to get to my high school. Its a good thing I took this place as the other room in Garbatella cancelled on me at the last minute. It's funny how life works out, I get more entertainment from it than TV!

Beard.

The weather is getting nicer and my scholastic year is finishing in a few months. Thank God! This has been a great learning experience but it has made me aware of the following: my weaknesses, strengths and teaching preferences. For as much as like kids (I am kid at heart at times) I realize I don't like teaching them as when I have to be a babysitter I really detest it. It's entirely possible I haven't found my authoritative side yet, but that doesn't matter as that is not my idea of teaching.

So I am going to resume my usual job hunt which is quite often an overwhelming task because I feel intimidated by some of the job requirements. There is also the magic question of....where. I am happy to work in all three countries where I have lived, but my gut is telling me to get out of Italy as there is simply never any good news here or any clear future for mine or the younger generations. But I suppose I would stay if I could find better teaching conditions. It's all going to depend on the job and conditions.

I have a beard now. It takes months to grow in to look full, but to be honest I appreciate what I have. A beard has an interesting effect on a man in that it makes you feel more masculine and for me it's a connection with men of the past. There have been great men of power who had beards, Christ for example. I'll prob shave it off though in the warmer months as I sweat enough in the summer month with short hair and no beard! Anyone who knows me knows that I have a hair obsession and I have always had an appreciation for the beard. It's taken years but it looks better than it did 10 years ago. Every man is different in their growth patterns.

Quo Vado?

Quo vado is an Italian comedy movie made this year which highlights typical Italian stereotypes. Some are quite true. Anyway, I have put Quo Vado as the title of this entry as it means in half Latin and Italian "Where do I go?". Quite befitting for me these days as I am once again in a state of confusion and trying to figure out just where I want to set up roots as I have severe doubts that it's gonna be here in Italy. I like it here but I am looking at stability and long term now rather than just the quick fix, although that option is always alluring.

My goal for this year is to make a definitive decision in order to have a clear direction for the future. And I hope I am able to put words into action as we're all bravi behind the keyboard with wonderful ideas that are easy to say, harder to do. I think John Lennon was famous for that, "We have to work for peace". That's nice and noble but where's the meat? I digress for a moment...I am not at all a John Lennon fan. I think he was an egocentric, pretentious fake. I don't wish death on anyone, however. Anyway, by the summer I want a clear idea of what I want to do. But I am overwhelmed with the choices I have. I have my American and Italian passports which allow me to work on two big continents in thousands of different scenarios and thus leaves me with a lot of what ifs. But I suppose that's normal. However I believe I am narrowing down my options and I think I will try to continue with teaching although I am seriously thinking of the UK and possibly the US again. I just don't see much of a future here in Italy unless I get a job with an English and or American company, doing what is a big mystery.

I had a parent-teacher meet and greet last night and it was interesting. It was nice and humbling to see the faces of the loving and hard working parents who pay good money to send their kids to my school. In a way it inspires me to take my job more seriously. I have changed my attitude towards my work as I want to take it seriously even if I may not stay here past the summer. It is nonetheless still worth it to do my best, leave on good terms and get the experience from it. Only one parent I didnt like and it was the child's London grandmother who said "our daughter isn't the only one having problems in the class". That is unfair to paint me into a corner and it opens up the door for gossip. Their daughter is a brat and an unmotivated student. I don't know if my lessons with the kids are the best or the most exciting, but I teach and I want them to learn. However I can always improve.

I find it amazing that am considering the USA again. I used to hate it, but my last few visits were kinda nice and it was great to not feel a foreigner for once, although I am certainly used to the idea living here since 2009. Why would I go back? Not because I am a ultra patriot nor do I believe it is the "Greatest country on the planet", but I am looking the stability factor and the fact that I turn 36 in 9 days. However this going to take some more deep hard thinking.

Racism in TV commercials

I don't care, this needs posting. I've been noticing TV commercials for the better part of a decade and since then I have noticed an overrepresentation of blacks vs. whites. In so many scenarios, I have seen situations where you have a white man and black man and very often the white man is portrayed as the inferior of the two. By inferior I mean he often is seen as the weaker one, nerdy, an idiot, socially awkward and in the end, the black man is the who comes out as the smarter one, or simply having the visual advantage.

In my opinion this is stupid and wrong and not a representation of reality. Each race has its good bad and the ugly, no one is spared. I've lived in three different countries so I base part of this belief on that. I think this is all a backlash of affirmative action in which society tried to reverse years of black discrimination. To do this, blacks (and prob other minorities) were given favor in areas of jobs and other social advantages. I believe that was a flawed system from the onset. I don't believe in the rocking of the social pendulum until we have equality. Based on TV commercials and hiring procedures which practice ratio quotas, we are seeing the inverse effect which is favoring people when they really don't deserve it. Blacks had problems in the past, yes I admit it. I wasn't there and I wouldn't practice it even today. That's besides the point yes, but the bottom line is this: I don't believe in privileges. Get in line and be humble and live life on your own merits.

What's pathetic is that I think it's considered racist to even bring something like this up. Those who know me and those who are able to look at life objectively will understand me. Here is an example of what I am saying. I am saying however that all commercials are like this. Not at all, but there have been enough out there where I have taken notice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdxiLQxC1n4. An example of what I mean.