Future plans

I have neglected this blog. Yes, I know. But it does serve as kind of a diary for me and to look back at moments of my life in recent years. Anyway. My life has changed a lot in the past 2 years. Firstly, I am living with my gf Valeria here in Rome and it's going well although no relationship is perfect. Those who paint theirs out to be as such, are liars and or good actors. Second, I have really changed my mindset from existing to focusing on living. What do I mean by this? I am looking to get out of teaching eventually and possibly into entrepreneurship in the future. One of the first steps to doing this are two things. I'd like to write a book on my experiences here in Italy and then I'd like to promote it on a youtube channel. The youtube channel is somewhat of a gamble and it will most likely be a test of patience and probably of my own mental and linguistic capabilities. Why linguistic? Well, anyone who knows me, knows that I stutter, talk too fast and at times I am incomprehensible. I made a practice video yesterday and as painful as it is to watch myself on camera, it was necessary to recognize the flaws in my speaking style. I will HAVE to slow down and focus on clarity if I want to captivate a Youtube audience. Also, I want to keep the focus on living and vacationing here in Italy because I feel people could benefit from advice before coming. I will use myself as an example; I think talking about something from someone who has lived something makes it more real. In other words, practice over theory.

Another milestone for me was having invested in the stock market. I have been studying stocks since last fall and I feel it is a wise choice and a way to provide for myself (maybe just in part, we'll see) when I am past retirement age. Is it risky? Yes. So why did I do it? I invested in a good company, a major one and also I bought into a fund that tracks and pays out the return of the overall SP 500 market performance. In my opinion this is a defensive strategy but I feel it will pay off in the following decades. My next goal is to look for companies that focus on products that everyone uses, toothpaste for example. How can I keep buying more stock? Patience is key. I will set aside some money each month which I will then use to put into the market and in the investing world this is called dollar cost averaging. This way a consistent amount of money is invested no matter what market conditions are. Anyone who looks at stock and market performance sees that it goes up and down, thus you are catching the dips and peaks evenly.

For those still following or if anyone comes across this blog, watch out for me on Youtube!

Almost 38

It's high time I post something for 2018! I've found out that perhaps my students are reading this and that's fine as I have nothing to hide and they seem respectful of my privacy. Anyway, today is my mother's birthday and she's 70. Yikes! I take aging now with a grain of salt and a gift from God that I am still here considering all those who left prematurely. That grain of salt includes its color which I now see specks of in my hair and as much as I don't like it I have to accept it. At least I am not bald! Things are fine with Valeria and I as I moved in with her 2 months ago. I do miss my single independent life but if I want a family someday, some things need to be sacrificed. But with relationships you never know how things will turn out to be honest. For now I am quite happy with her, although no relationship is perfect. She quite enjoyed herself in the USA and I still can't believe she came to see the place where I grew up. Actually, I like that she came as it's nice to get an outsider's opinion of Connecticut. It was bitterly cold, even for us but I think the fact that she has me as a guide and we have cars and that my parents house is super warm made all the difference and she was able to enjoy herself. I liked introducing her to my parents and relatives and our day out in Boston was very nice despite the continued cold! Another highlight was having her meet my friends and this was good for her English!

I really have a few simple yet significant goals this year. 1. I want to get a full health inspection which will happen as soon as I get my health card in a month or two. I think I am fine but I want get a few blood tests and have my cholesterol checked. 2. My continued research into stocks and trading as I feel this is the wise choice for my future and it could be very profitable in a few decades (give or take!). It's frustrating as I have always shunned finance and numbers in general. I am overwhelmed but how much there is to learn, but if you want results, you gotta put in the work. I have learned a lot in the past few months and little by little I am getting closer to deciding how I want to invest my cash. 3. I wouldnt mind a career change as I am not sure teaching is for me anymore. As I get older I am not sure that I can handle the stress of teaching, in particular teens. Italian teens are a challenge as I have 30 kids in one classroom and they are chatterboxes and look for any excuse to joke around and talk about things not relevant to the lesson. Not all of them are this way and I adore some of them. Others make my job quite difficult and when I get angry it is not good for my health. I am open to suggestions and other career opportunities. 4. Last, and definitely not least, I would like to continue to develop and dedicate myself to Valeria. She might be the one and I need some more time to understand this. We have a great relationship and we have the same goals and outlook on life.

Torre Del Greco revisited

Yesterday I went to visit my ancestral home of Torre Del Greco (TDG) to redo my Italian ID card which had been damaged. It was cool that I had an excuse to go back and see it. It was also nice that my friend Paolo drove me there; he works with my gf and he's from a town near Napoli so he was generous to take me there. He also appreciates the same things I do in that town which are also some of the simplest things such as observing the fresh fish in an outdoor market and even observing the quality of the cigarettes some old man was selling! We also enjoyed observing the town's history via the old buildings, some of which were evidence of past grandeur and elegance and the view of the town from the pier at the port.

What I like most about going there is knowing that my roots and my last name are from there. Living here amongst things, people and places which are not directly related to me is fine but going to TDG gives me a small sense of belonging even though they left a century ago and we don't have any immediate family there anymore. Then there is the bureaucratic side of it as I am registered at the town hall as a Torre citizen living abroad. But nonetheless, I am member of that town and I believe I can vote there. It was nice to be able to get my new ID card with no problems, as if to say "Oh good, they remember me!"

Another perk of TDG is that it's right under the Vesuvius volcano and it's an impressive view although a bit scary as vesuvio is a sleeping giant and I do believe that eventually it will explode and wipe TDG right off the map. This is one reason I don't live there as well as fears of other natural disasters. To this people react with disbelief and that I am overreacting, but the fear is justified. Still, with that idea aside, it is tempting to live there although perhaps I am a bit naive as I believe living there on a daily basis would be hard. Not only that but I have a job and a steady relationship here in Rome so I am content to stay here and Rome is not far at all from Campania.

As I said before, Paolo and I appreciated the same things in Torre Del Greco whereas other people might call it an urban dump as the buildings are old and apparently falling apart. It definitely has a stigma to it, not to mention the organized crime aspect to it. Nonetheless, for us it's a piece of history and it's nice to be in a place where tourists don't usually go so we can observe how the average person lives and the original flavor of the place is preserved. That to me is more interesting than tourist traps which as a result make a place lose its authenticity (this may happen in Cuba).

A Torr, ce verrimm n'ata vot, si semp dint' o cor!(My rusty napoletano!)

Cultural arguing.

I frequently mention cultural differences between Italian and American culture here, naturally as this is my background. I participated in one recently via social media which left me quite disturbed and analyzing the whole thing afterwards, even now. It started with a video of a racist white lady who wanted to see a white doctor at a Canadian hospital. I agreed with everyone else that she's ridiculous in making this request and that such behavior is wrong; I think most rational people would agree. Where we differed was our approach to the problem. Living in this country has made me a bit indifferent to these kinds of public tantrums, but only because I think along the lines of that I can't solve the problems of an idiot by voicing my opinion, especially if it's someone I don't know.

The question of what the moral thing to do in these types of situations is not an easy question. The opposing view that I encountered is that we have the moral obligation to do something, but I don't 100% share that opinion as people are going to be jackasses no matter how much we morally intervene and it will continue in the future no matter how many "Dude, did you just say.....that's not cool and you shouldn't say that" moral deputies we create in the future. I have an issue with the idea that someone deems themselves morally qualified to tell someone what is right and what is wrong and I believe that in the long run this could lead to fanaticism in other issues. My continual response is that these matters are subjective; I may not always step in and say something because in fact that is not my nature. I will admit however, that the woman in the video was very belligerent and her behaviour was unacceptable on the basis that she wasn't being reasonable. The fact that she is a racist is not my concern (others would disagree with me, but I don't care) and I have no business telling her what views are right and which are wrong no matter how fucked up hers are. I'd have told her that she's holding up the line and forcing other sick people to wait, people with sick children. Telling her that vs "you're a racist" I think is more effective. She's obviously already accepted herself and that her behaviour, in her eyes, is ok. In fact in the video she was told repeatedly by everyone to go to a hospital to which she refused. Thus she was very unreasonable and in my opinion THAT warranted public intervention.

Here's where the culture aspect comes in. I can't stand the way some Americans argue. A family member once told me that what Americans don't like is when someone doesn't agree with them (quite right) as they are often arrogant enough to believe that their view is the right one, we should all agree and everyone else is wrong. This I say from numerous observations with my own countrymen but granted this is only one man's experience, take it for what it's worth. What is most irritating is when people become condescending, patronizing and downright insulting. The American approach to many arguments is just this and quite often people are immature and most importantly, they are not objective. I am not saying this is local to only Americans, but that is the focus of this entry. In this I am more comfy arguing with an Italian as they are in fact objectively minded when they argue and can tell the difference between a matter of different opinion and it doesn't bother them. Not the case in the USA as an American feels insulted when you don't agree with them.

What is particularly dangerous (and irritating) is when you combine intelligence with being condescending. I am not admitting defeat in the video in question (the Canadian bigot) as intervening isn't 100% wrong, but where one loses credibility is when you mix child-like tactics (memes) in an otherwise serious discussion. This is important: you claim to be morally advanced in your approaches to society's social problems yet you resort to patronizing when faced with a view contrary to your own. If you're really more advanced with your ideas you wouldn't need to be insulting; how you can take someone serious with all this considered?? How can you be vulgar and insulting, yet still preach morality? I can be vulgar myself (note the F bomb before) but there is a time and place for it and at times it helps to vent. I am of the view that this is an imbalance of intelligence in the sense that someone can be well informed and present a good case, yet you lack the ability to operate with tact which is another form of intelligence in and of itself. This discussion obviously went beyond the video but it was necessary as it opened the door to a wider more profound discussion.

I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't repeat in person. I've only posted this content here as this is my blog and a place where I vent and process my thoughts. Besides I had already said all that I needed to say on fb.

This is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zl5JKDIlsbU

Survived high school teaching!

The school year is finished and I am so happy! It was definitely a learning experience, a test of will and patience and I learned a lot. For example, how to be flexible. There are constant interruptions and unexpected elements when you teach and lots of little things that come up that you have to deal with instead of teaching. The clearest example that comes to mind happened just about a month ago. There were 6 girls who were downstairs in the bar having a snack instead of being in class and we were already 10 mins late. I suspected they were downstairs, so there I went! I found then, give them the "no no" finger and left. When we got back I proceeded to give them a disciplinary note. "But prof, it's only the first time it's happened!" Would you listen to that logic? These kids have no concept of being responsible for their actions. I said "and if I shot you in the leg would you wave punishment with the logic of it being "only the first time"? Please. As a result, all 6 got a lower grade for their behavior mark on their report card.

I am optimistic about the future. I am going to try and take advantage of the fact that we are in Rome and that there are plenty of jobs in my field. My goal is to finally be able to save up some cash instead of just living paycheck to paycheck. What is nice is that I have a job and that my current employer wants me back. This is good to know as others aren't so fortunate. I will however choose to reduce my high school hours and ask to continue my work in companies like I am doing now. Then I have my summer gig in England which is stressful but necessary and every year I wonder if it'll be my last. Ideally I'd love to just work 2 weeks there so for some extra cushion money. Who knows, maybe it'll be possible next year. Lastly, I am happy with my relationship with Valeria. She is a wonderful person and we have a possible future together. I still need time to be totally convinced but like the alcoholics say, one day at a time".

Post 37

I don't want to say this is a sad blog as a lot my posts are somewhat melancholy, but as I think about it, I write when I am a bit down. Today has been a rather negative day. I have a cold again for the 3rd time since Xmas and I'd like to know why. I am a hypochondriac so I never like feeling unwell but I think my cold is due to three things: The cold weather has returned, I live a big city where germs are everywhere and I work around teens. Lucky me. What also sucked about today was that I think I made one of my teachers mad. I took forever to grade tests and give them back to her and I think she also might have the impression that I haven't really explored the exam I am supposedly preparing my students for. It's true unfortunately, and it's true as nothing to me is more boring than reading something (or anything!) academic in my free time! But if I want to stay in good standing at my job I'll have to do as she says. I am also cat sitting till tomorrow and this is the last time! Honestly, I would never keep an animal in a small apartment.

I am 37. The older I get the more I try not to look at the number. Whatever. I am getting older and I look at it this way: we're all in this ride together and some of us get off too soon. I do like it how people always think I am younger and I think I will age gracefully. But to be honest, this is not really the life I want for myself at my age. At my age, I want a quiet house all to myself (for the time being) and a CAR for fucks sake! This is something I have dearly missed. I also have mixed feelings about where I work; I like my job as it is a great experience and I feel important to the kids who some of them love me. Yet, the pay is still just typical Italian pay and I am living pay check to pay check and it provides such little stability for the future. Thus I will be forced to go back to England this summer to make up lost wages and the practical thing to do is stay the whole damn summer and then rest here in Rome! I think I will look for more work in Rome and maybe leave Darby as the only reason I'd stay is because I hate always jumping jobs. But when I am going to stop saying maybe and make up my damn mind?!? This is my achilles heel in life and I pray for the courage to make a change. I think what keeps me here is this inner desire to be Italian. That's the bane of my problem if we want to call it that. I feel as if I move back to the States or even elsewhere, I will lose part of my identity even though that really isn't true. Like the alcoholics say, one day at a time.

I am also dating one of my students, Valeria who is a lawyer my age from Sicily. I adore her and we're a great couple and although she has many good qualities I need time to fall in love and to see if I am going to make more definite plans with her. I like her as she is Catholic, sensibile, intelligent and has a beautiful smile. She's also a kind and warm person which are traits I look for in women. Physically she isn't my first choice but I am trying to figure out where my priorities lie and what I consider important. Needless to say she will be part of my influence to stay in this country any further.

First post 2017.

I have just got back from the USA and my Xmas vacations. They were quick, that's for sure but I am happier to be back this year than in past years. I like my life better this year than the previous one as I live in a better place, I make a bit more cash and I don't have as much stress like that I did in Ostia last year although Ostia was a constructive year, as painful as it was. It went fine this year in Connecticut. I didn't get into as many arguments with my parents although they were difficult as to be expected. I suppose you just need to pick your battles but at times its hard to avoid arguing with them. Although I must admit, what they call an argument for me is a simple disagreement or difference of opinion. I do hate seeing them age but then again I am ageing too!

Some of the highlights: For some reason, one of the first things that comes to mind is hockey. I went to see a Umass Amherst college hockey game and it was nice as there wasn't a lot of people and it was a chance to be with my dad. He criticized my driving on the way up, but he drives defensively and so anyone in comparison is a maniac! Anyway, they lost but it was a simple night. Then I went ice skating at Bolton Ice Palace and it was great. It made me wish I was still playing hockey as quite honestly it is one of the few sports that stimulate my senses and satisfy my need for, well, speed! But it was also emotional as I started playing there when I was 14 and I stopped 15 years ago. I'd def play again if I lived in the area and I think I'd play better as I am in better shape now. Seeing Tim's kids was nice as they are adorabile and full of energy. Tim remains one of my best friends and it's obvious why: he's a no bullshit guy, direct, honest and doesn't give a rats ass about being PC. Also he is a great mentor in the Catholic faith.

My parents rented me a car and it was a pretty sweet ride, a 2016 Dodge Charger. It was like I had my own car again and it's also something that I have dearly missed. Although you don't need a car per say here in Rome. New Year's was fine as I went to the old Rookie's in Cromwell and I didn't get drunk at all! I spent it with Rodrigo and it's always nice seeing him. I got to see Santos twice, Kim for a coffee and a round at Margherita's and I even saw Brianne this time and got to meet her fiancé, although I already knew him from high school. Xmas was fine except my allergies got the best of me. I must be allergic to the USA or more specifically, carpeting! I detest it and I find it useless. I was kinda sick at Xmas and the combination of jet lag didnt help! Yeah, it was fine this trip back and I got to spend plenty of time relaxing at home. I also took pics of Tolland as if I was a tourist. I visited the Benton Homestead, the cemetery near Crandalls park where I found 18th century gravestones and one who was at Lexington and Concord, and I took some shots of the town green.

Do I want to move back? Not right now and I say that every year. For now I am going to work till the end of the school year and then decide if my current job is worth another year here in Roma. As I get older moving back to the USA does appeal even more. Kim and AJ (my niece's husband) gave me some good career advice, alternatives to teaching which would be recruiting or working at a university but not as a teacher. For example, I could be an academic advisor. It's definitely something to think about. I just worry that moving back I'd regret it and I'd miss being Italian and soaking up the culture here. But I am getting to the point where I would and might choose a better paying job in the US over treading water here. I think each year that passes I think about it more. I enjoy my life here as Italy is my second home and I feel very Italianized. Just before I boarded the bus to the airport my dad said "It never gets any easier" and I was surprised he said that. I am guessing (hell I know) that the more time passes the more he wants me back. I understand his and my mom's thoughts, but I need to do what is best for me. I will in the end, I have made numerous changes in my life as I eventually leave bad situations when I feel it's in my best interest. Whether it's a bad idea to stay here I cannot say, but I will need to find more stability. I'd like for it be here but I can't make a single man's salary forever, especially if the good Lord blesses me with a wife and kids.

Walking

Yes, walking. I subscribe to a certain logic when I walk and that is the rules of the road. Quite simply, I wish people would think about how they drive when they walk. What does that mean: when you drive what side of the road do you stick to? In most countries, the right side and since I grew up in America and live in Italy where the driving is the same, this will be my base of reference. I get so annoyed when I am on a sidewalk, metro, grocery store or some public place and I am constantly bumping into people. I can't tell you how many times I approach a corner, or an area where I have to turn and I almost butt heads with someone. In the grocery store you need to stop and look before you exist an aisle and keep the cart to the right side! Park it when you need to look for an item.

What also irritates me is how some people just have no sense of space. This also includes personal space, although this might be a key difference between US and Italian society as Italians' personal space is smaller than Americans'. What I mean is when people don't realize who are what are around them. One of the biggest frustrations here are Italians who stand in the middle of an area where people walk (such as the entrance to a store) and don't realize they are there till someone says excuse me.

I am not saying this is a rule that must be strictly adhered to as there are situations in which it is difficult to maintain order in public places, but I think this general logic can help to make walking, moving and getting to places much easier. I suppose though I will always find much frustration here in Italy as people don't seem to get this logic 100%. Furthermore, I walk much faster than people here, even when I have my arms full of groceries. One thing you'll never catch me doing is standing in the middle where people walk to get organised or worse, to look at a map!! Finally, I don't want to sound inhumane so I of course realize when someone has a disability or is elderly. In that case I won't rush up behind them. However, if you are slow walker, be you elderly, disabled or simply have a slower pace, I think you should think of the road once again. Slow moving vehicles on the right and the left lane is the passion lane!

Ok. Let's continue with this Rome thing!

Back in Rome. After much deliberation, I have returned. Why? Well, I had found two teaching jobs in Boston, but I cant afford to live in the Boston area and I didn’t want to stay at home any longer as my parents and I don’t see eye to eye on certain things. But that’s natural. Anyway, I wanted to give Rome and Italy another chance. This is my second home and I have a new teaching job which is vastly different than the gig in Ostia. I’ll be teaching in public schools, morning hours and I get to select the hours I want to work. The pay seems like it’s going to be a lot more than Ostia. Lets hope so! I move into my new flat on the 1st of Oct and it’s a shared flat like in the past. So, lets hope these dudes believe in cleaning and mutual respect!

I had hoped for a monolocale (studio apartment) but the damn things are expensive and far away. This new apartment was a stroke of luck. I live right behind the Vatican with a Brazilian guy who didnt ask for a deposit or a contract. He's a simple clean person who has been very kind to me. He also has an adorable pit bull mix named Lilly. It's so nice to live with a dog again! My morning commute to work takes me right across the Vatican to the metro and it's easier than I thought to get to my high school. Its a good thing I took this place as the other room in Garbatella cancelled on me at the last minute. It's funny how life works out, I get more entertainment from it than TV!

Beard.

The weather is getting nicer and my scholastic year is finishing in a few months. Thank God! This has been a great learning experience but it has made me aware of the following: my weaknesses, strengths and teaching preferences. For as much as like kids (I am kid at heart at times) I realize I don't like teaching them as when I have to be a babysitter I really detest it. It's entirely possible I haven't found my authoritative side yet, but that doesn't matter as that is not my idea of teaching.

So I am going to resume my usual job hunt which is quite often an overwhelming task because I feel intimidated by some of the job requirements. There is also the magic question of....where. I am happy to work in all three countries where I have lived, but my gut is telling me to get out of Italy as there is simply never any good news here or any clear future for mine or the younger generations. But I suppose I would stay if I could find better teaching conditions. It's all going to depend on the job and conditions.

I have a beard now. It takes months to grow in to look full, but to be honest I appreciate what I have. A beard has an interesting effect on a man in that it makes you feel more masculine and for me it's a connection with men of the past. There have been great men of power who had beards, Christ for example. I'll prob shave it off though in the warmer months as I sweat enough in the summer month with short hair and no beard! Anyone who knows me knows that I have a hair obsession and I have always had an appreciation for the beard. It's taken years but it looks better than it did 10 years ago. Every man is different in their growth patterns.

Quo Vado?

Quo vado is an Italian comedy movie made this year which highlights typical Italian stereotypes. Some are quite true. Anyway, I have put Quo Vado as the title of this entry as it means in half Latin and Italian "Where do I go?". Quite befitting for me these days as I am once again in a state of confusion and trying to figure out just where I want to set up roots as I have severe doubts that it's gonna be here in Italy. I like it here but I am looking at stability and long term now rather than just the quick fix, although that option is always alluring.

My goal for this year is to make a definitive decision in order to have a clear direction for the future. And I hope I am able to put words into action as we're all bravi behind the keyboard with wonderful ideas that are easy to say, harder to do. I think John Lennon was famous for that, "We have to work for peace". That's nice and noble but where's the meat? I digress for a moment...I am not at all a John Lennon fan. I think he was an egocentric, pretentious fake. I don't wish death on anyone, however. Anyway, by the summer I want a clear idea of what I want to do. But I am overwhelmed with the choices I have. I have my American and Italian passports which allow me to work on two big continents in thousands of different scenarios and thus leaves me with a lot of what ifs. But I suppose that's normal. However I believe I am narrowing down my options and I think I will try to continue with teaching although I am seriously thinking of the UK and possibly the US again. I just don't see much of a future here in Italy unless I get a job with an English and or American company, doing what is a big mystery.

I had a parent-teacher meet and greet last night and it was interesting. It was nice and humbling to see the faces of the loving and hard working parents who pay good money to send their kids to my school. In a way it inspires me to take my job more seriously. I have changed my attitude towards my work as I want to take it seriously even if I may not stay here past the summer. It is nonetheless still worth it to do my best, leave on good terms and get the experience from it. Only one parent I didnt like and it was the child's London grandmother who said "our daughter isn't the only one having problems in the class". That is unfair to paint me into a corner and it opens up the door for gossip. Their daughter is a brat and an unmotivated student. I don't know if my lessons with the kids are the best or the most exciting, but I teach and I want them to learn. However I can always improve.

I find it amazing that am considering the USA again. I used to hate it, but my last few visits were kinda nice and it was great to not feel a foreigner for once, although I am certainly used to the idea living here since 2009. Why would I go back? Not because I am a ultra patriot nor do I believe it is the "Greatest country on the planet", but I am looking the stability factor and the fact that I turn 36 in 9 days. However this going to take some more deep hard thinking.

Racism in TV commercials

I don't care, this needs posting. I've been noticing TV commercials for the better part of a decade and since then I have noticed an overrepresentation of blacks vs. whites. In so many scenarios, I have seen situations where you have a white man and black man and very often the white man is portrayed as the inferior of the two. By inferior I mean he often is seen as the weaker one, nerdy, an idiot, socially awkward and in the end, the black man is the who comes out as the smarter one, or simply having the visual advantage.

In my opinion this is stupid and wrong and not a representation of reality. Each race has its good bad and the ugly, no one is spared. I've lived in three different countries so I base part of this belief on that. I think this is all a backlash of affirmative action in which society tried to reverse years of black discrimination. To do this, blacks (and prob other minorities) were given favor in areas of jobs and other social advantages. I believe that was a flawed system from the onset. I don't believe in the rocking of the social pendulum until we have equality. Based on TV commercials and hiring procedures which practice ratio quotas, we are seeing the inverse effect which is favoring people when they really don't deserve it. Blacks had problems in the past, yes I admit it. I wasn't there and I wouldn't practice it even today. That's besides the point yes, but the bottom line is this: I don't believe in privileges. Get in line and be humble and live life on your own merits.

What's pathetic is that I think it's considered racist to even bring something like this up. Those who know me and those who are able to look at life objectively will understand me. Here is an example of what I am saying. I am saying however that all commercials are like this. Not at all, but there have been enough out there where I have taken notice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdxiLQxC1n4. An example of what I mean.

CT bound...for now

I am almost done here at Aston and this dissertation is dragging out like a blade. But I am nearing the finish. I am at the results where I report what was said in my interviews and then relate it to theory. Then the conclusion where I make some profound claim, argument etc etc which is going to be an equally profound moment in my dissertation. I have no idea what grade I'll get as I feel I've put a lot of effort into it, which I have, but Aston and their critical grading never cease to surprise. For better or for worse. But I am sure it's decent and I won't fail. In all honesty I don't care if I just pass it as it wont do anything to my overall grade. I need a 65 to get an overall merit for the whole MA, which in their infinite mercy they give me. Well actually I shouldn't say that as God is in charge of that!

So, not having a job lined up I will go back to CT for a bit on Sat, finish my dissertation there and mail it in. There are mostly ups to going there. 1. Hot weather 2. My parents. 3. friends 4. Boston + NY 5. Driving again 6. Peace and quiet. The downsides are my 1. My parents as I don't always like staying there 2. No more Europe and I have no idea if I'll come back here to work anytime soon. If I get hired here in England I'll take that position as I really want to stay here in Europe and England is alright as a country, even though my heart is in Italy. Although, if I found a job that paid 60,000$ in America I think I'd take it. In all likelihood, I see myself going to Saudi Arabia for a year as I need a job and I can't not work.

I am once again at a major crossroads and I am always nervous about making the wrong decision or making one that will have a effect on my life that I don't want or leave me kicking myself later for it. My instincts tell me to hold out and wait for a decent job and maybe one that is slightly below my pay expectations to then develop professionally. But on the other hand I cannot wait around at my parents not working as I am going to go beserk! A job though in Saudi would cut me off from pretty much everything including possible romantic possibilities which in light of tonight, might be possible

Cristina seems to want to get back together, which I have mixed feelings about. She is a complicated girl and I need to see her in person or at least on the phone to clear things up. I am not going to get into it here, as I could be here all night. I will just say this. I am not basing my life on her at this point. If she happens to fit in somewhere I'll deal with her when the time comes.

Seeing the finish line

I am actually in a good mood today, I must say. This will be a somewhat positive post, a bit of a rarity for me as most of mine are a tad melancholy and surreal. I mean every day has its ups and downs and I don't usually have only a good day as there are ugly moments, like now as this damn cough won't go away which I've had since June. But I've had blood tests, chest X-ray, ultrasound on my neck, chest listenings and prob a few other things (I love the NHS, I paid nothing) but nothing sinister is suspected. In the meantime I am taking a health powder supplement that my friend Shazia sells. It's supposed to restore our immune system and be some kinda magic health restorer. Ok. We'll see if it works. She swears by it and she's quite a serious person who says it fixed a lot of her health problems.

Today I apply for jobs. I need find something soon as this will determine where I spend the next chapter of my life. I am halfway done with the dissertation at 8,500 words and I think I will be done at the end of the month. I'd like to travel to Dublin for a weekend then go to see my parents for na decina di giorni (roughly ten days). But if I find a job before that I may be going directly there be it here, the Middle East, Italy or the USA. Those are my choices. In reality I see myself staying here or heading off to Oman or Saudi Arabia. I saw a job which pays SICK cash, and I applied with a response from them requesting my documents. I replied. But after having looked at the forums that talked and complained about this company on Daveseslcafe.com it might not be all it's cracked up to be and I remain doubtful as to the validity of the ad. Oh well, if it's as good as they claim that would nice but if not, there are other options out there.

So today, I take some free time from my dissertation and focus on myself and job hunting. I am happy though as this dissertation which I've dubbed "the monster" is not as tremendously as hard as I had predicted yet it is difficult. I still have to send off my sample work to my supervisor but I am confident she'll like it and won't suggest radical changes! She better not!

Putting the past behind me......andiamo avanti.

I think one of the best parts of being an adult is allowing myself to put the past behind me. I used to deal with the past a lot worse than I do now. I've said goodbye to so many people, been through experiences, lived in different places that I've gotten used to I guess. Sure I miss certain things and certain people and I'd like to relive certain moments. But I have so many of them that I suppose I've reached a point where they either crush you (if you let them) and you're covered in sadness, or you let them help you to evolve to the point where you can throw it behind you and find the courage to look ahead.

Needless to say I am anxious to finish my dissertation which I am confident I'll get it done at the end of this month or at the latest the first week in September. I may go back to my parents house to finish it and if I don't find a job between now and Sept 12th which is when my lease is up at my room here at Aston. As for after I am leaning more towards staying here in England for many reasons. 1. I still don't care for America and I don't think I fit in there anymore. 2. The NHS, I want that publicly funded health care; I detest the US insurance companies which is an abomination at its core concept. 3. I am still here in Europe. 4. the UK despite its weather, is a more stabile country than the USA in my opinion. 5. I'd be here for my graduation in March. But I still may go to the Middle East for a year so I can save up and get experience, and then still come back here but unlikely i'd come back to Brum. Aston has been fine but it was only meant to be for a year to be honest.

I don't remember if I've posted this in past blogs, but once I get my own place and a proper job I want to undertake a few things. Salsa dancing, guitar, continue the gym, get into excellent shape, find a woman, get deeper into the Catholic faith, read the bible and lastly get involved with the church more. All in due time.

Almost done!

I am almost there! I have just come back from my summer job here in England and I am back at Aston. Not much more to go as I have to hand in my dissertation by Sept 30th, however I also have to leave my room by Sept 12th, so for me that is the real due date. I am confident though that I'll get it done well before the 12th, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were some difficulties and that the dissertation will present challenges that I hadn't thought of. Whatever, I'll deal with them when they come. I only hope I am able to provide more of a critical analysis than I have in the past.

Anyway, I am glad to be done with my summer camp job as it was stressful, I didn't sleep well, some of the kids annoyed me and I, being an independent person felt the total opposite. But it was a way to get paid while doing research for my dissertation, in fact I am jotting down now the things said from my recordings which I will then compare with literature. But it was bittersweet as there were nice aspects to the camp such as the picturesque town, nice co-workers, a few exceptions here and there. it's strange to be back though as when I left three weeks ago it felt like I had left Aston forever, instead I am back here and it's a ghost town as most people have gone home to finish their dissertation. This is good news for me as my flat is virtually empty which is great as two of the noisiest have left. One was noisy but not in an obnoxious way, the other was the party animal of the flat who in the end proved himself selfish, disrespectful and sneaky. The bastard is lucky he isn't still here as I have a few words for him.

I am in a surreal situation. It's part scary, part exciting and part unreal. I still can't decide where I want to go and start the next chapter of my life. I think I will most likely take a job in the Middle East as that is a great way to save money and I want to save a bit for once in my life! Also I think the exoticness of it is appealing. My next choice is Europe. I think I want to stay here as the USA is quite possibly not for me anymore, but I am not sure (Connecticut is def out of the question). I don't think I'd fit in to be honest. So that leaves the UK, Ireland and Italy where I would consider working. My heart is in Italy and it always will be, but I have said my opinion of that country too many times. It's weird though, when you leave it you forget the bad things and you long for the nice things and all the great memories. Then you go back and you get frustrated all over again. But I think what I crave is a warm place with a warm feel among the people, but with the opportunity to have some alone time and a quiet place to sleep. These places are great but I feel only the Middle East pays the big bucks whereas Italy and Spanish-speaking countries offer the life and culture I want but not the stability. Is the UK the answer to that, rain and ugly carpets and all??

I am overwhelmed with the choices out there. I suppose I should be grateful that I actually have these choices. I would like to find a school that can work with me, that can help me grow as a teacher and one that can bring out the things I have learned here at Aston (which I hope are things that are hidden for now), one that I can provide decent pay and steady work. I suppose this is what any working person desires. I pray to God to help me choose but it's not easy to hear what He has to say in this matter as each place I think of moving to has me asking myself "Am I going to regret this?" But I will trust that whatever I choose is what He wants for me. I must admit there is a certain curiosity to go back to the USA and the idea of working in a place such as California is appealing. In the end, it's all going to come down to the following: PAY, location, conditions, benefits and overall package.

3 months to go

roughly three months to go and I am really looking forward to leaving here. It's a surreal feeling as I am approaching another big milestone in my life. Where will I go next? Who will I meet? Will my next job be a more permanent solution or will I find myself in a feeling of transition again? Will I stay here, go back to Italy (Rome or Milano preferably), find something lucrative in the USA or do the one year plunge in Saudi Arabia? My heart is to go back to Italy and grow old there, but I am looking at that place objectively and common sense tells me to avoid that whole country. But that is all going to depend on the job that I find, the pay and the conditions. I feel that taking a job in Saudi is a short fix as it won't at all be a permanent position but rather a year sacrifice to pay off my student loan. This is in fact really appealing as it would allow me to do just that, and it's a loaded package with them paying for everything including flights, vacation, visa, tutto! However, that's one more year where I can't give myself the possibility to find someone and settle down. But life is funny and I could meet her tomorrow (unlikely though)

I long for my adult life back. I've had it with Uni life, being around kids, this whole insular world. Although overall I've been fine here, but one year was enough. I want my own place, a quite, comfy, clean place which allows me to sleep fine at night and one where I don't need a car. What I most look forward to is getting some stability,independence and being self-supporting as that is how I've lived for a while now and it's what makes me comfortable. I do want to stay put for a while as I think this helps to find a woman; who wants to be with someone who is constantly moving around?

Post-Uni projects that I want to do are: learn to play the guitar, learn more languages, improve my salsa dancing, learn to cook better and combine that with getting in great shape via the gym. On that note I can see myself becoming a health freak in the future! And finally, but certainly not of least importance are getting married and having a family. I imagine that woman around my age must be thinking the same thing so I am hoping that works in my favor. I will pray in the meantime and ask God to give me continued strength and direction

Dissertation time.

It's finally here! The last (elbeit) long stretch of my MA program and thank God it's here! I can't wait to get out of here and resume my adult life. It's been fine here at Aston and overall I don't have any serious complaints but I think one year was just enough for me. I hope I do fine with my dissertation as this is a monstrous project which takes a lot of preparation. As long as I can organize my notes and materials and organize the dissertation in a comprehensive way I'll feel better as I can write rather well.

I am starting to feel the pinch of this damn dissertation. What makes it worse is that I don't have my research questions approved yet by my supervisor who doesn't always respond fast. And, they aren't allowed to have too many contact hours with us as for them it defeats the purpose of the independent study aspect of all of this. I must say, after 8+ months here I can declare that I don't like independent study even though that is the purpose of an MA program. I came here for a degree as terrible as that may or may not sound. But, I am hopeful. I think I have put together research questions which are based on the supervisors suggestions and subtopics which I mentioned in my presentation and don't seem to be a problem for my supervisor. What I don't want is to look up something which she will then say is not doable or irrelevant; this has already happened. Basically I have roughly 3 weeks to complete my lit review, then I go to my summer camp to do my analysis for my dissertation. I still need to get my ethics form approved which I will know by Wed. After that I can send Exsportise my in loco parentis form asking them permission to do my research. I also need to come up with the consent form for my colleagues at the summer camp. So, there is still work to be done, but I think I can manage it ok. I just hate how things are out of my hands for now!

It's somewhat surreal to think I will be leaving here soon but the big question is where? I so want to live in a warm climate and I torn apart whether to stay here in the UK which ironically I don't mind considering the possibility. I'd love to go back to Italy as my recent trip there reminded me of the good things about living there (obscured when you don't have to pay bills or deal with le cavolate of living there!) but I need to be practical. I am still considering a year in the Middle East as it's guaranteed pay, housing, expenses paid and a great way to pay off my student loan which I want to reduce the time needed to pay it back. But, the downside is that it is the Middle East and I've never really been there aside from a half day tour in Turkey in 1999. Also it's another year where I can't find someone to settle down with, and my parents don't like the idea. But I can't live my life vicariously through them and I do think the pros outweigh the cons.

I also didn't get a good mark on my last two assessments, one of them was miserable although I only take half the fault for that. The assessment briefing was very cryptic and I'd have liked to have seen samples of past work. We were shown this, but for 10 mins in class. Big deal, I got NO benefit from that. But still I want to know where I went wrong with the other one as I had high hopes for that one. Logically this isn't the best mentality going into the dissertation. But I will just work persistently (or try to) and hope for the best. But I am nervous

School + life

With all the complexities of life, strange/interesting people and weird things that happen evey day, who needs fiction ? Coming here to Aston has been a real lesson in the school of life as far as human behavior is concerned and getting to know people of other cultures. Let me recap what I've seen in the past month: A dumbass Brit jumping into the canals naked, seeing a homeless man for the 3rd time and having a chat with him for which he managed to get 3£ out of me, our poker chips being stolen out of the box on top of the fridge, a night out with a German friend and two Arabs (from S.A. and Oman), some girl in the library who left her books on her desk for 4 straight hours without ever coming back. So I wrote in her notebook "Is it wise to leave your things out for hours on end?" It was quite interesting two weekends ago as we went to smoke Shisha and I probed them about their countries, Islam, Arabic and various things from their cultures.

I have also finally said Bye to Cristina once and for all. She is superficial and cold. No way around it. I decided to live up to own personal credo in that I do not want fake people in my life and she's it. No bitter feelings, no regrets, a bit of longing for our sweet moments and moments of intimacy but I am convinced I made the right decision. I sent her a letter telling her how I feel to which she wrote back "you're right". Well that pretty much cements it. Then she writes back and says "Cmq, se ti va ci vediamo quando torni in Italia" to which I said what's the point? and I've not heard from her since. So be it. We hadn't been together since last summer but this just made it final.

Something adorable that has happened to me recently has been my flatmates. I don't hate them per say, in fact I don't, but they are a bit selfish and inconsiderate. I am referring to two things in particular. 1. the way they leave the kitchen: dishes unwashed (although they usually wash them), counters, table and floors are always a mess 2. their nights out in which they go out and come back past 3 am usually with an entourage of their friends in which they are usually drunk and bring back take out food. I am never hungry past midnight and I can't understand this desire to eat at that hour. I am going to try to live alone again when I move out of here!

Chasing people

My father has always told me to not chase people. Chase people in the sense don't keep pestering them to do what you want them to do. Of course we don't aways take our parents advice as it's only normal to not listen to someone you know well and who can get on your nerves sometimes. Also, when you know someone well, a gf, friend, parent etc. you eventually see them make a mistake or are wrong about something, so you tend to disregard thinking that this is another one of those times, them even when you really shouldn't. But my dad has always been right about this: don't chase people. As an adult and as someone who unfortunately learns by doing things the hard way I now better understand what this means. I think this piece of advice has been more obvious to me in terms of love in particular with what happened yesterday.

I won't get into details as it's not worth it. I wrote a letter on Word to my last gf, Cristina, a girl I dated from Aug 2013-Summer of last year who with me had always been cold, distant and superficial. Up until recently I still thought that some kind of future was possible although I always had my doubts and deep down I knew she wasn't right for me. Two days ago I wrote up my thoughts about us, her and why I thought she was superficial. Her answer? "You're right". Well, that pretty much cements the whole thing and I don't care. I just feel better that it's now officially over. I took my dad's advice and I will not chase her or anyone who doesn't want to be with me or even friends with me. I do admit that we have to be the ones who once in a while have to initiate contact and extend an olive branch, perhaps more than once. But what's important is that we realize quickly who isn't returning the ball served to them, as if human contact and relations were a metaphorical game of tennis.

While this piece of advice is good, I am not so cut and dry when it comes to relationships. They require more work and more patience. This might be why I am not always so quick to break up with someone; it just seems to vicious to tell someone bluntly, directly or indirectly, "I do NOT want to be with you". I have learned in life that there are often circumstances that we aren't aware of, or difficulties that others go through of which we are not aware of which could make someone seem distant. I grant that and I am empathetic when I am aware of the facts. But anyone who knows me, knows that I don't insist anyone do anything they don't want to, or the way I want things done. I am not a bossy, authoritative person so it's against my being to impose my will on someone. Now that may seem strange coming from a person who is doing an MA in TESOL (what is TESOL?!....no one has ever heard of this! google it), but when I am getting paid to be a boss then I will act like one.

I am not chasing anyone, if not being a pest means I have to spend some time alone then so be it. I'll end this with two credos that I live by: If someone or someone is important enough, you find and make the time. I treat others the way they treat me. If I seem too intense, Good! So be it.